How to Start an Advance Care Planning Conversation With a Parent

4 min read

There is no perfect moment. You're waiting for one anyway. I know, because I waited too.

You're waiting for the right holiday, the right mood, the right opening. You're waiting for them to bring it up first. They're probably waiting for you. And while everyone waits politely, nothing gets written down.

So let's skip the perfect moment and talk about a good-enough one.

Lead with you, not them

Nobody likes being told they're getting old or sick. So don't start there. Start with yourself.

"I've been working on my own health care paperwork, and it got me thinking. Have you ever filled any of that out?"

It takes the spotlight off them. It makes this something adults do, not something done to old people. And it happens to be true for everyone. If you don't have your own documents done, do them first. You'll understand what you're asking for.

Borrow a story

A friend's mother. A neighbor. Something on the news. "Did you hear what happened with Linda's dad? Nobody knew what he wanted. Would we know what you want?"

A story gives you both somewhere else to look. It's gentler, and the question still gets asked.

Ask about values before you ask about machines

Don't open with ventilators and feeding tubes. Open with life.

• What makes a day worth living for you?
• What scares you most about getting sick?
• If you couldn't speak for yourself, who would you trust to speak for you?
• Is there anything you'd never want, no matter what?

The medical choices come out of the answers. Most people know more about what they want than they realize. They've just never been asked.

Expect resistance. Don't take it personally.

You may get "I'm not dying yet." You may get a joke. You may get a change of subject so fast it gives you whiplash. That's normal. This is the conversation about the one thing nobody controls.

I'll be frank. I do this for a living, and my own family won't talk about it. Not my immediate family, not my extended family. They're hoping I'll drop it. I won't. I keep trying. And I've noticed something. A lot of the time, it isn't fear. It's confusion. There are so many forms and terms and choices that they freeze before they even start. Paralyzed by paperwork they haven't even seen yet.

So I stopped starting with the paperwork. I use an outline, because charged conversations need a path. The forms come later, and by then they're just forms.

Don't push for everything at once. Plant the seed. "Okay. I'm going to bring it up again sometime. It matters to me." Then actually bring it up again.

Write down what you hear

Even a few sentences on paper is better than a memory you'll argue about later with your siblings. When they're ready, turn those words into real documents. In Arizona, that means a health care power of attorney and a living will, signed with a notary or one qualified witness. The Attorney General offers free forms.

If it's going nowhere, bring in a neutral person

Sometimes a parent will say things to a stranger they won't say to their kid. It happens in loving families all the time. It doesn't mean you did it wrong. A neutral guide can ask the questions you can't, and you get to just be the daughter or son in the room.

That's a big part of what I do. If you want help starting, or finishing, this conversation with your parent, book a free 20-minute call. Bring them. Or come alone first and we'll plan how to start.

The hardest part is the first sentence. After that, you're just talking to someone you love.

This article is educational and is not legal advice. For legal questions about your situation, talk with an Arizona attorney.

I'm Jennifer Michaels, CDP®, founder of GuideWyze. I learned most of this the hard way. Now I help families do it with a little less guesswork.